Perfect Day

Such a perfect day when you come to mind
I wanted to smile the last time I saw you
But all that you could see were my insensitive tears
The sun was out like it is now
I’ve stopped on this side of the mountain
Sometimes, in moments like these,
I just want you to know that I still think about you
I wish I knew
Does your son make you proud like a son should
If we could just stand here together
I’d trade all these trees and mountains for one of you
Then I could tell you about the perfect day
I’ve stopped midrun
On the way back to see my waiting family
Goodbye again
How do I say it to you so it sticks
I know I said we’d see each other again
But I’m afraid that might not happen
I’ll keep visiting you on these trails
Keep me company
Take me home when I’m tired

Sometimes thoughts come at the oddest times. I was 15 miles into a 20 mile run when I had to stop and unload these thoughts using my cell phone on the edge of a mountain. Nothing other than my thoughts in the middle of a run. Sometimes the run is empty and almost lonely. Other times I’m solving problems and return inspired. And then there are times when the brain seems to turn on a slide show from the past and my emotions are chasing me down as I clearly and vividly remember, actually and honestly feel, all the good and hard times in life. Is this the runner’s high? No, those are the inspired runs when life is clear and the pace effortless. For me, these flashback runs are the times when I reconnect with the part of life that often is overrun by the nonstop busyness of life.

My Friend, Time

Time to dream a new dream
To work a little harder, breathe in deeper
To learn a new language in a fresh voice
To chase a different night’s star
Time to feel more of your day and less of what I know
The hand keeps ticking, turning our way
I think he knows how much I’m trying to squeeze up ahead
Now is the time to start living from the deserts to the mountaintops
from this side to the other
To cover us in all the colors of daybreak to nightfall
To take the time to look around and extend my hand
Now is not the time to be getting older

– Written the night my biological clocked flipped to 39.

I’ve Walked Down This Road Before

Fireplace With No Home

I’ve walked down this road before
Been on this stretch for days
Blisters on my feet, salt stains on my shirt
Faces of worn farmers staring back at me
Poor kids eyes begging up at me
Wind in my face, sun high above
The taste of this dusty road on my lips
I’ll keep walking, searching for a more fortunate town
Work the golden blood that once ran through me
My old man wore a big hat, drove a big car
and liked to carry a big loud smoking gun
Worked his fingers to the bone
Lost us all when we learned she wasn’t the only one
That rich blood emptied through a bleeding heart
When he died, I swore on the old man’s dirt
Smiled while I spit on the lessons he preached
So now I will walk to my own deadbeat
Carry my bankrupt load on my proud two feet
I’ve walked down this road before
Passed the miles of dried earth to the end of the line
I survived thinking of you in easier times
But I’ll survive like a criminal doing hard time
These empty pockets paid for our grieving times
I’ll work for a dollar
I’ll work for a dime
Hear the wind blowing through dried out corn
Mister, would you just let me work a hour more
I’ve lost the cash for gas and my credit’s received notice
I have a wife and kids back at home
Please don’t send me home empty handed
I’ll keep walking till I’m out of hard luck
Say my prayers
Hope for the best
This is the longest day of my life
I can’t go home in the state I’m in
A hope and prayer won’t put food on our table
This looks all too familiar
I’ve walked down this road before

Today the rain ceased and the blue skies came out. I took the bike out for a ride that didn’t require waterproof jackets and extra clothing layers. I didn’t have too much time so took the Folsom Prison Blues route which is just under 50 miles. The above picture is a rock fireplace that sits next to the road on Salmon Falls Road and is a pretty site with the green hills. In the other direction, you can see the snow covered Sierra Nevada mountains. Today you could see for miles. 

This week, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the complexity of designing software and how it relates to life. In the last month, there were over 100 changes that I made to the program that included enhancements and bug fixes. This is not atypical for the amount of changes included in our monthly updates. We are constantly adding to the product to improve the user experience and the pace can sometimes be exhausting. Software is often one of those areas where you can find yourself navigating an ocean full of icebergs. What might seem like a small and avoidable problem from the surface is in reality a giant problem waiting for you to head right into it. Aren’t lots of areas of life are like this? The complexity of the situation rapidly increases as more parts are introduced. We might think that as we add things over time, the complexity slowly inches upward as though on a straight line. But this is not the case. Almost always, as we add more and more things to our lives, the level of complexity slopes upward faster and higher each time we add more.

We Can Handle More Than We Think. But At What Cost?

The reason is because most of the time we are not replacing one thing with another, but we are usually adding more on top of an already complicated product or busy life. We think we can add just one or two more things and continue to maintain balance. And over time, those one or two more things multiply into a lot of things. And before we know it, we are at a level that cannot be sustained except through a state of exhaustion. Where is that tipping point? At what point is it too much? In software it can be subtle. We want the user to be happy and there is almost always a good reason for a request. And when we think about it, we can come up with a solution. However, just because we can do something does not mean we should do something. There is always a cost associated with anything we attempt and we have to debate the cost versus the return. We only have so much time and resources, what do we want to accomplish? And there is the urgent and there is the important. More often than not, I am convinced we are dealing with the urgent and delaying the important. There is this box that represents our time, it could be a day, a week, a year or a life. It sits in the middle of the room. Throughout the room are hundreds of items, some big and some small, that we can put into the box. The items represent different experiences in our life, different activities and goals. But we can only fit so much into our box that sits in the middle of the room. The more we try to squeeze into our box the higher the chances that some of the items will break or the box wouldn’t be able to support the weight. You want to try to fit in as many things as possible but in such a manner that the things that go into your box end up surviving the trip. I keep telling myself, “Keep it simple, stupid!” Too often easier said than done.

We’ll See You In The Morning

Dylan

I hold your hand
You smile
Love
You don’t even know what it is

Lost in your world
We try to look into you
What’s inside
You have deep blue eyes
And if I close my eyes
I still see you
We can’t stop thinking about you
Always on our mind

We’ll teach you
You’ll show us
We’ll learn together
Together
Do you know how sweet life is together

Our time may be long
It might come too soon
Always time will be short
You’ll have questions nobody can answer
Hard days you won’t forget
Lazy days you’ll have wished for more
But live the day so you remember it

Put your other hand in mine
Give your Papa a hug
Remember we love you
Remember to make memories
Remember on those hard days
Everyday
But even those hard days
Know we are here for you
Hear us tell you we are proud of you
Hear me
We are here for you
So proud of our Dylan

Your Mama and Papa
All we have is our Dylan
Love
The hurt we feel
When we cannot look into your eyes
Hold your little hand
See you smile
And know you are safe, content
Lost in your own world
Goodnight
We’ll see you in the morning

It’s January But Feels Like May

Pacific Crest Trail near Donner Summit

On a warm January Saturday
I wandered off a favorite trail
and came across a little running brook
hiding behind some trees
While the woods quietly watched me
beads forming on my forehead
the sun trying to peek through above
I stopped there for a minute
watched the water flow along
And I wanted to take my shoes off
rest my feet in the water
But my afternoon had other plans
And as I paused to hear the sounds
of water chasing stones
I could hear the beating for home
so I continued on my journey
Promising to visit again

The last couple days have brought unbelievable weather to the area. Temps are in the upper 70’s with blue skies and a full moon. A quick ride during the day and a night run. If only we had a little lake out back we might call this Walden.

I’m just starting to get back into the swing of things, slowly. Life is full, which is good but I feel pushing any more will make me more likely to come down with a cold, flu, etc. The edge of too much or not enough. Why the constant drive? The plan is to ease into the RAAM training nice and easy. Need to try and average 100 miles the first few weeks and then add another 25 miles every 2 weeks. Some things will have to give. I think it will be impossible just to add more to the routine without something giving. I have to be careful not to keep adding new levels until there is too much and all comes crashing down.

Just starting to work on some of the logistics of RAAM. How many bikes? Do I need 2 or even 3? How about wheels? Comfort or speed? Hed or Zipp? Deep Dish? I need to load up my Zune with some very long audible books. Just starting to listen to The Long Walk by Slavomir Rawicz. If these guys could walk across Siberia then we should be able to bicycle across the US. But why? Why would anyone choose to ride 3000 miles or climb Mt. Everest or do anything that seems to contradict the purpose of survival. That’s the question.

Not Having To Leave

Passing a frozen lake
On a cold winter’s night
You sit next to me
You’ve been strolling through my mind

Wish we could just stay where we are
Figure out how to stop time for a day or two
It’s where I run to in my dreams
I run here with you
 
Eyes closed, you rest next to me
A touch of your hand
Fills me with inspiration
And I want to be with you
Until we’re old and life prints lonely notes
Times together
Times apart
Difficult days
And kind ones we shouldn’t forget
So let’s be sweet to one another
Empty pockets
Dirty shoes
A face aged with time
I’ll try to make life beautiful for you

A walk around the block
A walk through snow covered streets
I see your breath
And can’t remember a more beautiful time
Our footsteps follow each other
You lead
I lead
Now we walk together
Let’s go together
 
See the trees catching the snow
See the snow running up the hills
Beyond the trees wait adventures we can’t see
Beauty lies in being here with you
Not having to leave

Goodbye

Hello
I see you
Touch you
Smell you
Smile
Your nurturing face needs a touch
Time passes
Things change
I’m afraid I’ll forget
I need a better memory
Goodbye
Thanks for coming
People flow in and out
Everybody asks
But you’re hanging in there
Our eyes meet
We stare
Do you still know me
Tell me
What are you thinking

What is going on
So many questions
Sorry there are no answers
Are you afraid
Is it time
I don’t know
But I think it’s close
Goodbye, again
Let us say our goodbyes
I’ll miss you
No magic words
Regrets
Love
Love more
I will
Thank you
Time is short
Wasted
I’ll miss you
Try not to forget
I’ll just sit here
Look outside
Beautiful day
Let’s have some memories
Before goodbye
And it’s over

– For those last days with my mom

Morning

So here I am,
Waiting for the sun to rise and set.
A purple hue opens my eyes
As morning begins to waken the room.
Another few minutes,
Till my dreams end and the day begins.
I rest a kiss on her cheek,
My hand uncovers hers
I shed our warmth and whisper goodbye.
I put on my clothes,
Find my way down the stairs,
Slip on my shoes,
Unlock the front door
And now I am running.

Clear mornings and I can see forever.
I can see the city lights left on from last night,
I see places I’ve never been – places I want to take
her
Looking out over the mist rising from the river,
To the forested hills on the other side
Then a little further where a fog blankets the ocean
Mornings like this I want to travel the world
But usually by the end of the day
I’ll just want to slip away and disappear

The rising sun hits me in the face
My dreams run to better places, better times
Times not yet here
Places maybe just around the corner
Sights beyond the horizon wears my spirit
This morning’s air breathes life to the senses
Legs and lungs burning
I taste the ice in the air
Passing unfamiliar but friendly faces introduces
smiles
People, dogs, cars
We’re all moving, going somewhere, someplace
Some places not pretty
Some times not perfect

I’m back, running late and she must be gone
The house makes no noise
The garage sits half-empty
Morning has filled our room
The bed isn’t made
Her things surround the sink
It is the sight, the smell, these pictures of her
And fresh towel reminds me
she love me too

Five Minutes

I have five minutes to get this poem on paper
five minutes to get something down that you’ll remember
something that will strike you, touch you,
five minutes to connect
Connect with you and with myself
I’ll make this poem about me

First, I am an unhappy person
And I hope I will find clues in this poem
Hints, insights that will cure my unhappiness.
Bottom line I find no meaning and have no devotion

Maybe my unhappiness is a disease
I haven’t been feeling well lately;
Most of the time I’m tired and weak.
I sense something’s wrong,
But am afraid to find out
At my age, things keep falling apart

A good poem should have images that you can see
Songs you hear, smells you taste
But I am not good with imagery

Don’t always hear what’s being said
And have no appetite but always a deep hunger
It is a mind playing tricks on itself
Not much is up there right now.
I want to unload it all and start over
Begin a new life. Take only the right roads.

My mom just died yesterday
But that’s not why I am so unhappy
We really weren’t close
Not sure why

All the answers seem so close
just out of reach

Two minutes just passed and I didn’t write a thing

I’ve got two minutes left and my mind comes up short
I bet you your mind just keeps going,
doesn’t stop working for two minutes like mine just did
You kept reading, you never need a breather
you can do that

Something’s wrong with me
That’s me: always a bit short
Always short of breath, always needing a breather
I’m wasting away and need to change my ways.

And then there’s something always missing
Something’s always missing

As I look about my room I see so many incomplete projects
Projects I’ve never started, just in my mind
If only I had the time then I would
If only I had back all the time I’ve wasted

What a waste

Most of all I want to be happy
I just don’t know what happy is.

I realize my five minutes are over
And I never really wrote my poem.

In The Night

Gently, gently
lay me down to sleep
Nothing that I own
is mine to keep

Softly, softly
kiss my lips goodnight
My eyes long for
the taste of sweet moonlight

Quietly, quietly
time has succumbed
Stolen my breath
finished what was undone